Pet Peeve: Mustaches

I don't get it.

Why are mustaches everywhere right now? They are tattoos, party themes, coffee mugs, jokes ("I mustache you ask a question..." or something like that), photo props... etc.

Why is that cool? Is it supposed to be ironic-funny because mustaches are so not cool? I must be old.

I only approve of two mustaches:

1. Tom Selleck

2. Ron Swanson

Please, please, please don't get this tattoo, people. Seriously, it will only be funny for a minute - use a sharpie.

Pet Peeve: Pets as People

Pets are not people; they are animals. That sentence is literally a fact. However, today people seem to looooove to act like animals are people.

1. They dress them up. Yuck.

2. They let them rule their homes and beds and couches, making them smelly and/or hairy.

3. They let them babysit. I am sick and tired of seeing babies posed or napping or in the arms of a big giant dog.

That is an ANIMAL, parents!! An animal who might suddenly get freaked out by a car noise outside or a fleck of dust in the air or who might have a dream that they are chasing a squirrel and in the process could absolutely injure the fragile and precious tiny human being who has been entrusted to your care. I know you think your dog would never do that... but that dog has no understanding of how it could accidentally injure that child. And that is not cute.

4. When I tell something about my child, they say, "Oh, I know just what you mean! My dog/cat/pet always..."

Really? Did you create your pet from your own person, birth him, nurse him, care for his every need hour after hour, day after day, year after year? Do you sit in awe of the amazing miracle that is a pet? Do you teach your pet about life, love and decency? Do you carefully build your pet's character and nurture his self-esteem? Do you quit your job to care for your pet or spend thousands of dollars a month for good daycare? Do you lie awake at night hoping for your pet's future, worrying about his health and safety? Do you constantly analyze what you could be doing better as your pet's caretaker or if you are doing a good enough job?

So, in conclusion, pets are not people. Please tell your friends.

Pet Peeve: Apostrophes

Dear People of The World,

An apostrophe ( ' ) is used to make words POSSESSIVE. That's right.Possessive means to show ownership of something. To do this, you add an apostrophe and an S ('s) to a singular possessive word:
Right: Joe's car. The car is owned by Joe.

This still applies even if the name ends in an S. If Mary Jones owns a car (still Singular Possessive):
Wrong: Mary Jones' car
Right: Mary Jones's car

Because the S on the end of Jones does not make it plural, you use the typical 's.

Apostrophes are NEVER used to make something PLURAL... NEVER EVER EVER EVER. This applies even to the name of a couple or family:
Wrong: The Smith's (This is wrong; really it is. PLEASE stop writing it. Please. I will throw your Christmas card AWAY if you sign it this way. Seriously. Please stop. I can't take it.)
Right: The Smiths

It is never correct to write "The Smith's." Never. It is correct to write, "Joe Smith's car."

Now, here is where it can get tricky: when the people's last name ends in an S, or even ES like Jones. To talk about the whole family (or plural):
Wrong: The Jones'
Right: The Joneses

I know it looks funny, but I am right on this one. I promise.

When a word is plural (ending in s) and possessive, you can just use an apostrophe:
Wrong: The Smiths's car
Right: The Smiths' car.

Here is the real kicker. When someone's last name is plural, ends in es and is possessive:
Wrong: The Jones's Home
Right: The Joneses' Home

I'm glad we had this talk.