Thursday, August 15, 2013

Traditional Values

This is quite the hot button issue, I know. It may not be cool to talk about, but I'm gonna. Let's start with a little definition (middle-school-essay-style)

Abomination: noun. A thing that causes disgust or hatred.

Sorry if that's hurtful, but its Webster, folks.

This verse in Leviticus is a big deal - I mean if you are causing disgust and hatred - that's big. And I know a lot of people argue that these Leviticus verses are old and out-dated. Some even believe that the salvation of Jesus takes us off the hook for these verses - but it's written in black and white in the Bible, and it's hard to argue with that.

So, I am here today to make my arguments before you all, and I know it may not be popular. But I am here to stand up against the disgrace of shellfish. You heard me. Shellfish.

Leviticus 11:10-11 (NKJ)
But all in the seas or in the rivers that do not have fins and scales, all that move in the water or any living thing which is in the water, THEY ARE AN ABOMINATION TO YOU... you shall not eat their flesh, but you shall regard their carcasses as an abomination.

To be clear: this means crab, lobster, shrimp, crawfish, eel, roe, oysters, clams, and mussels are all ABOMINATIONS.

If you have ever eaten these unclean animals, I will pray for your soul. I feel it is my duty, as a Christian, to inform you of your evil ways. Not only is it an abomination, it's just icky and not natural. And really, you're ruining the sacredness of me and my traditional seafood. You're also ruining America. I mean, how am I supposed to explain this to my kid if he comes home from a restaurant after seeing someone eat SHRIMP?! And the way you flaunt it with your crawfish boils and caviar and Alaskan King Crab - ugh - it's just so blasphemous.

But fear not! Jesus can help you! Jesus can reform your shellfish ways! And even if he won't make the desires for these disgusting creatures go away, he will help you have enough self-control to not act on those desires!

Now, who's in - CHRISTIANS FOR TRADITIONAL SEAFOOD!
Let's make signs and picket every Red Lobster and Long John Silvers from sea to shining sea! Let's legislate shellfish to be illegal for all Americans! Let's do it for Jesus - I'm sure it's what he would want!

Who's with me?!

Oh, and don't even get me started on bacon...